Welcome to legal weed, Canada.
Now that dope is no longer off the books, there are many things I won’t miss about the good ol’ days, and a few I will.
Things I won’t miss…
1 – Sketchy hookups
Remember going to your friend’s-brother’s-co-worker’s-roommate’s-unemployed buddy’s place at lunchtime so you could buy dope off a 40-year old man whose sole occupation seemed to be wearing cargo shorts and chainsmoking? Just walking into the place made you feel like you were buying black market guns rather than a harmless bag of weed. It was like a scared straight video but instead of scaring you, it made you sad inside.
For some reason, there was always an angry dog you couldn’t see that would incessantly bark, adding to the feeling that you needed to get out of there quick!
2 – Pinching
It’s a classic bait and switch routine…
You watch Ol’ Cargo Shorts weigh it up, then you get the bag home and it weighs less.
Somewhere along the line, somebody pinched something, and you know it wasn’t you. That slight-of-hand bullsh*t is soon to be a thing of the past. Now that marijuana is a legitimate business, those who pinch will quickly be destroyed by Yelpers.
3 – The Drought
It’s late August, and nobody’s dope plants are ready yet. The buds are too undeveloped, and/or the farmer whose land they were on discovered and destroyed them.
Worse still, your bag is empty and there’s nowhere to turn. Nobody has any dope left, and there is only so much lube a person can smoke. Sure, you can pay a ridiculous amount for hydro, but I was a country kid and that usually required a trip to the big city.
Not to mention, outdoor is far superior in flavour – TAKE THAT COMMENTS SECTION!
Now that weed is being grown on a massive scale, shortages are much, much less likely to happen.
4 – Scraping the pipe
This one corresponds to the above. In times of drought, one could always turn to the pipe for a few bowls’ worth of top-quality giggles. It’s dirty, sticky, and the smell stays on your hands forever, but scraping the pipe is the quintessential Plan B.
I’ve turned my fingers that sickly shade of black-brown several times as I sought out something to smoke when there was nothing else.
Of course, this only applies to scarcity of dope itself.
When budget or clogged pipes become an issue, go ahead and scrape away. Use pliers to bend the smallest hook you can on the end of a heavy gauge paper clip and explore the inner chambers of your piece. Who knows what foul-smelling, gooey treasures await? Pro tip: Heat the paperclip before sticking it in and you get that satisfying sizzle as it penetrates even the toughest clogs.
5 – Rat weed
You know the kind… Crappy buds that might get you high for about fifteen minutes, but then you just get sleepy and lethargic. Maybe they were kept in the freezer, or in the bottom of somebody’s trunk immediately after trimming. Maybe it’s just so old all the crystals fell off.
Maybe it was just crummy to begin with but you had no other options.
In this new dawn of dopery, quality control and customer satisfaction will determine who succeeds and who fails. People will want to buy the best and those who can’t deliver will fall by the wayside.
WHAT I WILL MISS
1 – Bargain prices
Flat, by-the-gram pricing means your buddy can’t offer you that harvest deal. Hundred-dollar ounces? Not anymore, pal. Even at $10 a gram, that same OZ will be $280. Plus tax. Plus more tax.
2 – Not giving the government money
See the above about tax, tax, tax. At least I know Cargo Shorts was spending it on video games and Slayer tickets.
3 – Supporting local business and local craftsmanship
The guy down the street that grew the best dope around can now grow for personal supply, but not enough to sell to you. Of course, he still could do it, but now he’s a tax dodger and not just a gardener. Stupid monopolies… grumble, grumble…
What do you like/dislike about the new weed law?
Let us know in the comment section.