London, Ontario:

A city eternally trapped on the brink of progress.

A gritty micro-tropolis where urban sprawl and car culture reign supreme.

A city in dire need of a champion.

Throughout the city’s streets and subdivisions, evil forces are at play to keep London from moving forward. As the city stagnates, they grow stronger – each more villainous than the next.

Use caution if you should ever come across the following evildoers.

LONDON’S SUPER VILLAINS

1 – RACISTO

Racisto super villain logo
Racisto distrusts foreigners, and blames immigrants on the lack of good jobs.

After reading Eternity Martis’ London, Ontario Was a Racist Asshole to Me on Vice, Racisto fought back with a flurry of online comments about stereotypes being true for a reason.
Racisto thinks all lives matter, men’s rights are in jeopardy, and is determined to send all the terrorists back to where they came from. He has the powers of invisibility and super speed, shouting slurs at non-whites as he drives past in his car. He roams online comments sections, where he spits poison from his fingertips.

Racisto grows stronger with resistance, which makes him nearly impossible to defeat.

2 – SNOWFLAKE GIRL

Snowflake Girl super hero logo.
Snowflake girl can explain white privilege to fellow white people on social media.

Imbued with the power of entitlement, Snowflake Girl believes the world needs to become easier rather than rise to the challenge of #adulting. She leads a one woman crusade for safe selfie spaces and puppy breaks at lunchtime. She truly believes she is a hero, spending massive amounts of energy sharing memes to fight injustices she has never had to face. Her subterranean lair is rent-free, located ten feet below her parents’ living room. She has the ability to take everything personally, and her main weapon is slacktivism.

Her arch enemy is Realisma.

3 – OLDMONEY

OldMoney super villain logo.
OldMoney believes homelessness is a crime that threatens property values.

OldMoney is a villain of the highest order, resistant to change and willing to use her fortune and status to make sure everything remains exactly as it has always been. She spends her days in a 20,000 square foot century lair, writing letters to the editor against rapid transit and methadone clinics. OldMoney believes poverty is self-inflicted, inherited wealth is earned, and that tax dollars shouldn’t be used to buy cigarettes and booze.

Her super power is threatening to take her business and donations elsewhere, and is extremely effective against politicians.

4 – THE NEED-LOR

Need-Lor super villain logo.
Need-Lor won’t rest until there are syringes in every parking lot in London.

The Need-Lor roams the streets of London leaving used syringes on sidewalks and in public restrooms. His mission is to spread infection wherever he goes. Some say he is a symptom, some say he is a disease. Nobody knows for sure.

Unbeknownst to most, the biohazard symbol is actually a talisman that repels The Need-Lor, which is why he never uses the sharps disposal bins for used syringes.

Like Racisto, he is able to go unseen, and is actually able to control ordinary citizen’s eyes as they look the other way.

5 – RIGHTWING and LEFTWING

RightWing super villain logo
RightWing, the twin brother of LeftWing, believes political correctness has gone too far.
LeftWing super villain logo.
Twin brother of RightWing, LeftWing believes corporations are running the government.

Twins who were separated at birth, RightWing and LeftWing are locked in a perpetual battle over the fate of the city, each blaming the other for the current state of affairs. Due to their similar powers, they are in a constant stalemate, sometimes enlisting the help of other villains in their fight. RightWing has been known to ally with OldMoney, and LeftWing with Snowflake Girl.

Both have the ability to increase their density to the point where they cannot be budged.

Their nemesis (aside from each other) is CommonGround.

LONDON’S HEROES

There is hope for the city, thanks to its unsung heroes. They don’t wear uniforms but they make a difference every single day. Sometimes, they even save lives. If you see them in the street, go ahead and shake their hand.

They deserve it.

1 – PICKEMUP

Pickemup super hero logo
It’s always time to take out the trash when Pickemup is around.

Pickemup is the natural foe of litterers everywhere. His rids the streets of food wrappers, smoke butts and coffee cups, though he lacks the proper personal protective equipment to take on The Need-Lor. He has the twin powers of caring and effort, which aid him in his quest to clean up the streets of London.

He is more likely to be found in OldMoney’s neck of the woods than downtown, keeping boulevards pristine and sidewalks free of doggy doo. Pickemup is rarely recognized for his efforts which, while small, make a tremendous difference. His job is never done.

2 – REALISMA

Realisma super hero logo
Realisma survives without living outside her means.

Realisma is the sworn enemy of Snowflake Girl. She knows the world is a hard place and that starting salaries are generally low. Due to a lifetime of experience, Realisma gained the powers of a cockroach – she can survive in any situation thanks to pluck and determination. She knows how to budget, how to change a tire, and understands that deeds accomplish more than hashtags.

While roughly the same age as Snowflake Girl, Realisma’s lower-class upbringing sets her in a completely different universe so the two rarely cross paths.

3 – FANGIRL and FANBOY

Fangirl/Fanboy superhero logo
Fangirl and Fanboy can name more than ten local bands.

This devoted duo spend their nights actually showing up to live shows. They pay cover without complaining and buy merch from local bands. Fangirl and Fanboy have the tremendous responsibility of keeping local venues open and ensuring artists get paid for their work. There is no show too small for this courageous combo, no band too obscure, no venue too sketchy.

No matter what consequences arise, the city can rest assured – if Fangirl and Fanboy join a facebook event, they will show up.

4 – COMMONGROUND

CommonGround super hero logo.
When the evil forces of RightWing and LeftWing refuse to listen, CommonGround makes perfect sense.

CommonGround is a hero like no other. He doesn’t show up to help people – people have to seek him out. He is diametrically opposed to both RightWing and LeftWing, however they are impervious to his Voice of Reason. His size is far larger than his opponents would like to believe.

CommonGround lurks in the shadows, waiting for people to make the effort to find him. He has been known to team up with Realisma from time to time.

5 – FRONTLINE

Frontline super hero logo.
When society writes people off, Frontline makes sure they are treated like human beings.

Frontline has the most difficult role of any of the city’s heroes. Using her open mind and heart, Frontline uses her powers to work with the city’s most vulnerable, all while treating them with respect. Whether it’s poverty, substance abuse, domestic violence, or marginalization, Frontline protects victims everywhere, and has the ability to increase the mass of those she protects to make sure they are too big to slip through the cracks.

Frontline is often opposed by OldMoney.

A CITY IN PROGRESS

Nobody can say for sure if London will ever get its act together but no matter…

Our heroes will continue their fight outside the spotlight, and the citizenry can sleep well at night, taking their efforts for granted.

All (astoundingly admirable) graphics by Gerard Creces

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