It was a Thursday like any other at the LondonFuse office.

Paladin Nicole the Diligent and apprentice blue mage Gerard the Unwise were hard at work. Fuse contributor and casual warlock, Pat the All-Questioning, was updating Fuse’s Twitter page.

Things were normal.

The world was safe.

But once the talk turned to hunger, the air grew heavy. Three tummies began rumbling at once, as if by some unseen gypsy’s curse or dark enchantment.

Everyone knew food was needed, but nobody knew where to go – the Fog of Concealment was thick.

A sign… a vision

It was then the Spirits of Mana planted a suggestion:

What about that wizard pasta place on Dundas?

Several searches through the dusty tomes of Google took place to find the proper name…


Speaking it aloud was enough to unleash its magic.

Their social media page was filled with pasta puns. It cast a lure spell over the Fuse crew, who were unable to look away.

Woven with magical incantations, the Pastamancers menu is a portal into the world of flavour, where Hun-Gar and his evil forces are quickly defeated.

It was as if some mystic vortex opened up – the epicentre of which contained a hidden valley of mages.

The gateway to Pastamancers was open.

And so the Fuse Party set out on a quest to satisfy their tastebuds through the long-forgotten art of takeaway lunch. Little did they know, they were entering into a battle against the forces of Hun-Gar with only the power of pastamancy at their disposal.

Into the cauldron

If a hydromancer is a wizard of water, a pyromancer a wizard of fire, a necromancer a wizard of death – it only stands to reason that a pastamancer is a wizard in the kitchen.

So says Ben Collymore, one of the head sorcerers at Pastamancers.

A visit to their Dundas Street workshop revealed several instruments of magical crafting which, in the hands of wizard Bryce Onfrichuk, became conduits of elemental forces.

Wizard Bryce Onfrichuk harnesses the powers of the elements for his pastamancy.

From fire and water came forth pots of boiling water.

From the earth was crafted the grain which forms the dough and the ore that forms the cookware.

From the air was born a delicious aroma and fuel for the fire.

Light and dark elements lent their powers to seasonings and sauces.


Pat the All-Questioning ordered tagliatelle pastamancy with marinara saucery and garlic bread.

Pat the All-Questioning channeled tagliatelle pastamancy with marinara saucery.

His entry in the Great Fuse Tome is thus:

The magic of this place is the fresh and local product they produce.

The utensils they use might as well be magic wands because the pasta that came out of the “cauldron” was hot, al dente and perfect. The marinara saucery is straight out of the spell book… So full and hearty that I didn’t even miss the meat.

I don’t know what sorcerer conjured the garlic bread. It’s a buttered sourdough masterpiece with garlic cooked into it.

Gerard the Unwise braved the maltagliati pastamancy with cheese saucery and chicken enchantment.

Gerard the Unwise made a smart decision casting maltagliati pastamancy with cheese saucery and chicken enchantments.

These are the words he inscribed in the Great Fuse Tome:

Had I not seen the wizard Bryce roll and cut my pasta before my eyes, I would have sworn it would only be available through DLC or endgame grinding. This triangular pasta could easily be mistaken for the Triforce of Perfect Consistency.

The cheese saucery was thick and savoury, unlocking the full potential of seasoned creaminess. The chicken was a perfect augmentation to the spell, made even more powerful with a couple shakes of Magic Spice’s extra spicy blend.

Hun-Gar stood no chance.

Nicole the Diligent, too, was charmed by the pastamancy at play. She ventured into farfalle territory with marinara saucery and meatball enchantments.

Nicole the Diligent brought forth from the void an order of farfalle pastamancy with marinara saucery and meatball enchantments.

These are the words she put forth in the Great Fuse Tome

I was unaware this one Friday’s eve that I was about to embark on a quest filled with saucery, pastamancy, and mythical fancy. The farfalle route by which I traveled led to a new world and enlightened palate, complete with meatball enhancements and marinara wonder.

Never have I ever succumbed so entirely to the, what must have been black (pepper) magic, for I found myself at the end of the road, the bottom of the box, and I can now say, a skeptic I am not.

“Nothing’s impastable” or so it would seem. Behold a world of flavours, ones that can be felt, ingested, and embraced at but the utterance of a wish.

No alchemy required

An adventurer need not spend excessive gil, gald, GP, or coin. Pastamancers provides megalixir dining on an ether budget.

It’s $6 for pastamancy and saucery, another $3 if you want to add enchantment – meatballs, chicken or grilled vegetables. Everything is tax-in, leaving the difficult math for time mages and alchemists.

From the first bite, Hun-Gar began to weaken. The forbidden flavourings drew the Fuse party further into their meals, and each bite sapped his power more.

Soon after, the battle was over with leftovers to spare.

Pastamancers vanquished the evil Hun-Gar.

Wayfarers and apprentice mages of all colours should make the perilous journey to 467 Dundas and experience true pasta magic for yourselves. Do not fear the tremendous power of pastamancy.

As sorcerer Ben says, “nothing is impastable.”



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