For some reason, clearing snow off your vehicle is not cool in #lndont.
Almost everyone has had a chunk of snow fly into their windshield from the jerk in front of them. If you haven’t – you’re that jerk.
However, we here at LondonFuse believe London drivers’ stereotypical disregard for public safety may not be due to laziness, but fashion sense.
Why not add some style to your lack of safety with these bold new looks?
The Mop Top
Embrace the spirit of the ’60s with this totally mod look. The moptop will make sure you’re ready to go-go in an instant. No brush necessary!
This effortless style will make other London drivers lose their minds – just like Beatlemania!
PROS: Zero effort.
The One-Eyed Willie is a style reserved for the saltiest, scurviest pirates. That makes it perfect for the mean, snow-covered streets of London, where there are no rules and only the ruthless survive.
Whether you’re just heading to the store because you’re out of smokes or trying to hit the LCBO before it closes, the ol’ One-Eye says, “I’m an idiot. DEAL WITH IT!”
PROS: Your eventual arrest photo will go viral.
CONS: Your eventual arrest photo will go viral.
The Geordi La Forge
Who has time to check the mirror to see if the light you just sped through was red? Not you!
The Geordi La Forge is so-named because of its wrap-around shape – an homage to ‘the Trek’s’ most famous visor-wearing Starfleet engineer. Note the snow on the hood. The more depth it has, the more visor-like your ‘do.
The Geordi La Forge says, “I can see, I just can’t see you.”
PROS: Panorama effect.
CONS: Tunnel vision.
The Van Dyke
Also known as the “Hipster Brush”, the Van Dyke is a take on the Geordi La Forge, with its fully cleared windshield. What makes this a more distinguished snow style is the tapered beard and moustache combination on the hood.
A Van Dyke keeps it classy in the most dangerous way. This ultra-masculine look is perfect for the man-about-town.
PROS: Clean-cut and dignified.
CONS: Too classy?
Some things never go out of style.
Business in the front, party in the back – the mullet has a clear hood and sides but fully covered top and back. It offers a 270 degree view of the road, which makes it different than the partially obstructed La Forge.
Mullets are meant for London streets, because everyone already drives like they are in a smash up derby. No need for rear visibility – if you have the confidence to rock a mullet, you don’t look back.
PROS: You look like a party animal.
CONS: No rear visibility/job prospects.
At ease, soldier! The flattop is perhaps the most common London snow ‘do. Clean front, sides, and back but the roof is completely covered in a thick layer of snow – just like Iceman in Top Gun!
This tactical style is great for deterring tailgaters. Once the car speeds up, your snow chamber is loaded and ready to fire.
The Flattop says, “On your feet, maggot!”
PROS: 360 degree visibility.
CONS: Projectile snow.
Oi! Do you even punk, bruh?
Nothing says London punk like the Mohawk. Express your frustration with the establishment with this easy-to-do style. The ‘Hawk is perfect for showing that you hate conformity so much you put extra effort into your appearance.
For extra cred, add some safety pins and a Dead Kennedys patch.
PROS: Punk’s not dead!
CONS: Yes, it is.
The Full Monty
Also known as the correct way to clean your car off, the Full Monty leaves nothing to the imagination. It’s a crisp, clean look that is not only great for appearances, but safety as well. This style is rarely seen on the London streets, so pay attention auto fashionistas – nude is the new black!
PROS: See and be seen!
CONS: Requires three whole minutes.
What’s your style, London?
Once you’re ready to hit the road, you’ll be doing it with flair. Maybe next time you run a red light the cops will be distracted (maybe even a little impressed) by your sweet Van Dyke and forget to give you a ticket.
It’s a hit and run – for fashion!
(editor’s note) Seriously, clean your vehicles off before hitting the road.