Party Etiquette

The holiday season is upon us – that means Christmas parties, New Year’s parties and another year has passed and I haven’t accomplished anything with my life parties. I know some of you think that partying is a free for all for morals where you can throw rules to the wayside and get down with your bad self (or whatever you kids are saying these days to describe fun).  Believe me, I understand.  One of my mottos has always been gotta have nothing but a good time (which may or may not be a Poison lyric).  However, no matter how jiggy you are about it get – there is always party etiquette that must be adhered to.

My lovely roommate (Krista Lee Mitchell) and I have compiled a short list of rules.  Rules, which I assumed to most people would be common knowledge.  But apparently some people have been raised in a forest by wolves.

*(These may or may not have been inspired by true events.)

1 – If you’re going to bring snacks – bring good snacks.
I once graciously welcomed new party guests into my home. They promptly handed me a bag with pride. “Ooo snacks, aren’t these awesome people.  I am sure we will be BFFs” I thought naïvely.  When I opened the bag I found Tiramisu in a soggy box, three Halloween sized chocolate bars and a Costco bag of Ruffle chips.  Okay, listen people! If you are going to bring chips to a party, make sure they are flavored chips.  If you are coming to my party, they better be dill pickle chips.  If they are plain chips make sure there is dip to accompany them. We are not animals, Ruffle chips were not designed to be eaten alone. COMMON SENSE! When I am a party guest I always go the safe route, I forgo traditional snacks and bring wine, a gift of class.  That six dollar bottle of wine will command more respect than plain Ruffle chips and tiramisu combined. 

2 – Don’t bring guests that have to call their parents

An acquaintance once brought two young ladies to our party times.  I’m all up for new peeps joining the party.  But it makes me very uncomfortable when my roommate has to talk on the phone with a young girl’s mother and promise her that everything is going to be okay.  You are forcing my roommate and I to lie in our own household, not cool.  Because everything is not going to be okay. These (presumably)underage girls are going to go to a bar and get shit-faced and maybe engage in illicit actions.  I can’t have those actions on my conscience.  Please only bring guests to a party if they are legal age.  Because it makes everyone uncomfortable and makes you look creepy. 

3 – If you make a mess in my bathroom, clean it up

I know things can get a little sloppy.  But if you make a mess in the bathroom, clean that shit up. Either figuratively or literally.  And if you drop a bottle of vitamins in the toilet do not continuously flush until they go down.  Because it gets stuck in the pipes and causes sewage to fill the bathtub and causes both tenants and landlord rage.  

4 – Don’t have a threesome on your host’s couch
I know I have the sexiest couch known to man.  The couch is so sexy it is commonly referred to as ‘Morris’.  And if Morris was not an inanimate object he would be a man of Burt Reynold’s stature who smokes expensive cigars and swills scotch (Swill? Is that what one does with scotch?).  So the blame is not completely on those engaging in the act.  The shiny Zac Efron pillow only enhances said sexiness.  I know it may take a lot of will power. But please DO NOT have a threesome on my couch. I really cannot stress this enough.  If you break this rule, you have just broken all friendship boundaries.  Also, the material on my couch causes rashes, so it really doesn’t work out for anyone.  I like to call this Karma Rash, suckers.

5 – Do not trash your host's apartment
If you are past the point of no return.  Go to sleep.  If the party host made you a little bed on the couch and tucked you in, you better stay there until morning.  Do not get up and wander my apartment. Do not go into my fridge, eat leftover chicken wings and leave the bones and sauce strewn around my kitchen.  Do not open a bottle of my wine and drink it all. And please don’t go into my roommates room and try on her ballet slippers.  It’s awkward for all parties involved. 

6 – Back away from the stereo
If we are in my house, we are listening to my music.  Be it death metal, Japanese boy bands or new age chanting, it’s my house and my party. Don’t touch my iPod or record player…. Ever.

7 – Drunk girls like to dance – don’t make it weird

I’m a white girl, and when I have a few too many wine spritzers I like to “whoop whoop” and dance badly, I’m a walking stereotype.  And so are the majority of my friends.  So if an impromptu kitchen girl dance party starts, don’t lurk in the corner and film it on your iPhone. This is creep-a-licious in the worst way possible. We are in a safe space! If we wanted to be objectified by dill holes we would have gone out to any of the sleazy clubs on Richmond Row.

Please take these helpful tips into consideration when at your next party - keep it classy. I'm sure your host will thank you.
Merry Christmas, kids!